The Death Knoll of Courtesy,
As I held the door to the local Tim Horton’s for a woman of about the same age as myself I can’t barely contain my want to, in a calm voice, say, “You’re welcome! Bitch!” I know I look like the type of person you would cross the street to avoid but as luck would have it we both happened to be entering the same building at the same time and through the same door. Since it outwardly appears that you are a woman I decide to be my normal self and open the door for you. This does two things. It means the door is held open for you showing COURTESY and it also means that I am letting you get in line before me inside. I know this is the wrong thing to do. After you self importantly ignore me for holding the door open for you I know damn well that you are the breed of human being that, even though you have been ordering the same thing for 30 years, you always feel compelled to read the entire menu board, slowly, before ordering the same damn thing – again. In simple terms – you suck as human being. You are rude, self- involved, and selfish-therefore you are a bitch! On top of your outright twittishness somehow, every time you order something you manage to forget that you eventually have to pay for the things you have ordered. I and the other aggravated people in line watch as you open every pocket your purse or steamer trunk sized ‘bag’ contains, patiently waiting for you as you decide to balance your check book and double check your grocery list in the midst of your searching for the $1.28 you owe for your diabetic coma inducing triple triple coffee. The poor girl behind the till is trying to decide whether or not to take a nap or kill herself. Do you see all the people behind you rolling their eyes? It is not admiration they are showing for you – it is contempt. Without a drop of sweat or any effort whatsoever you have the ability to annoy people just by being yourself.
Granted I am not a very patient person. I don’t like waiting in line. I don’t enjoy waiters or waitresses sitting down and trying to be my bestest buddy when I go out to eat. I think ‘flare’ on any uniform is a sign of at least partial brain damage. Thank you for sharing your family lineage with me. Where is my damn meal and why didn’t your father tie you inside a gunny sack with some rocks and throw you into a river? If I was your father I would punch your mother in the face for bringing you into this world. I am not rude or caustic to people (qualified- until they have gone past the three times and rage rule). For the most part I enjoy meeting new people. Original people. Not people who act ‘wacky’ or push a bad conversation much much further than it should go. IF I want ‘wacky’ I’ll talk to Crazy Vic the coffee truck driver. He drives around with aluminum foil in his pockets to scare of alien vampires. He was also around when the Saxons landed in England. Funny guy. Crazier than a shit house rat, but nice. I admire him for his originality. That is some good crazy!
Random Thought – Have you ever been ‘talked down’ to by a waiter or waitress? What the hell? You talk down to me? I am certain your degree in Social Science or Art Appreciation makes you qualified to comment on trivial, non life threatening issues like whether or not Chagal could beat up Godzilla, but really- you’re a fucking waiter! You could be replaced by an intercom and a hamster powered conveyor belt.
Now back to my whining. I have decided to start a list of things that need to be changed for the betterment of society;
1) If I hold the door open for you- acknowledge me, kick me, spit at me just realize that action has been taken to try and show you civility.
2) If you are pulled off the side of the road with a flat tire or mechanical problem please don’t ignore me or sit in your car and talk on your cellphone while I change your tire. I am not your underling. You never know how many lug nuts actually got tightened unless you see all of them get tightenend.
3) If I do not give your child money for her Chess Team trip to Ottawa for her school- don’t throw your arms up and get all indignant about my choice. My choice to ignore you and keep walking is about the only thing keeping your kid out of therapy for not having to witness her father get beat up by a parking curb.
4) Standing during an entire concert or hockey game makes you look like an idiot. You paid for the seat – use it. The people behind you think you’re a moron and would throw a pop on you but are worried that their aim isn’t the greatest.
5) Please stop telling me how smart your kids are. I know you are lying, unless they are adopted then there may be some hope for them.
6) Ask me or show me- I will respond accordingly.
7) Always say good morning. I don’t care if I caught you mounting the neighbours Husky- be polite-say good morning.
8) If you ever say or infer, ‘ Do you know who I am?’ I will punch you in the crotch.
9) To be continued