The Ten Commandments – My Way Part Un.

I am not a religious kind of guy. I was baptized and dragged to church in my youth. I didn’t ‘get’ religion. I understood the concept but just never got into it.

My disposition towards religion was cemented after attending a Catholic High School for two years. Priests and teachers shaking down kids for money for ‘Jesus’. The guilt pushed on kids and the general bullshit associated with not going to Hell.

For the last few odd years I have realized that I am not anti-God. I am anti-organized religion. I cannot understand the concept of paying someone on earth to get into heaven. Won’t my deeds and actions decide whether I go to heaven or not?

The foundation of Christianity is the 10 Commandments. I think they are the pretty good guidelines for living a good safe life. I think there may be some issues of the interpretation caused by two thousand years of interpretation.

The First Commandment: "Thou shalt not make to thee other gods"
I like it. This should include professional athletes, egomaniacs and politicians

The Second Commandment : "Thou shalt not profane the name of God."
I have a really tough time with this one. My first dog thought her name was “Goddammit”. I just rolls off the tongue too effortlessly and is more socially acceptable than the F – word.

The Third Commandment : "Thou shalt keep the sabbath holy"
Ever since shopping has become a competitive activity this Commandment has lost all meaning.

The Fourth Commandment : "Thou shalt honour thy parents"
Where to start on this one. I wish this was still the case but I hear kids say things to their parents’ I wouldn’t say to my enemies. I tried to honour my parents. This simply involved trying not to get caught when I was doing something dishonourable. When I did get caught thine parents’ smack on the ass usually brought me back into line.

The Fifth Commandment: "Thou shalt not steal"
Easy, simple and correct. Don’t Steal. What the hell is hard to understand about that? Every politician, at every level of government and every corporate raider should have the Fifth Commandment branded on their forehead. I plead the Fifth!

The Sixth Commandment: "Thou shalt not commit adultery"
There seems to be a lot of confusion with this Commandment but if President Clinton and Monica Dress Stain have taught me anything it’s that a cigar isn’t just a cigar.

The Seventh Commandment: "Thou shalt not kill"
I have interpreted this to mean I shall not kill people… who don’t deserve to die or gets in the way of my vehicle, or happens to fall after I push them in the stairwell. The really nice thing about this Commandment is that it does not specifically state ‘ No thinning of the Human Herd.’

The Eighth Commandment: "Thou shalt not bear false witness"
It is wise to never lie about bears.

The Ninth Commandment: "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house"
I am good with this. If I coveted my neighbour’s house I would have to fill my house with feral cats, asbestos siding, 2 rotten motorboats, a broken down chicken coop/garage and collapse the roof on my house. Some things should not be coveted.

The Tenth Commandment: "Thou shalt not covet (or desire) thy neighbor’s wife, his manservant, or his maidservant, his ox, or his ass"

I don’t see what is wrong with coveting your neighbour’s wife. Especially if she has nice cans. The part about manservants and maidservants is a little antiquated and should be deleted. I live in Puce so coveting livestock is regionally acceptable and expected. I’m not a real judgemental guy so if you want to covet your neighbour’s ass go right ahead, I’ll be in the garage ignoring you and drinking my homophobia away.

Basically, if you aren’t a self centered douchebag, if you help people by stopping when they are in trouble, or keep driving past them because you are too stupid to help them, in a way, you are helping. Be nice. Help out. Say good morning. Don’t kill and don’t lie. I am pretty sure most of us will get into heaven.

I hope it is a heaven where the chicks are topless and the bar is always open.