Kids

Is it just me or do other people’s kids bother you? Not always. Just when the kid(s) seem to need a kick in the short pants that never seems to arrive.

I am not, in anyway, condoning violence or child abuse, in public, or within earshot of the general public. I do think that a smack on the bum to get a young kids attention is completely reasonable and no-one should be able to tell you it isn’t. Again, I am not talking about stoving in a kids head because he forgot to wipe his feet before he lites the house on fire.

My unsolicited advice has come from years of being child free and having the opportunity to have to sit and listen to parents talk about their kids.

I have had the great fortune to observe parents and kids of all ages interact as a ‘family’ unit and I have discovered the following;
1) Most kids are insane
2) Most parents are insane.
3) Any parent who tries to reason with a 2 year old child should have their head stoved in with a club.
4) Most people, especially those people without children do not really care to hear about your children for several reasons;
1) Your child is insane
2) You are insane
3) If I could I would stove in your head with a club rather than have to listen to you talk about your child for one nanosecond longer.

Things Parents Should Know –An Outsiders Opinion

1) Chances are your child is not ‘special’ or extraordinarily smart. Unless your 5 year old has cured cancer and ended world hunger they will be classified as an average child. There is an old saying parents would do well to remember, ‘You may be special to your mother and your father, but you are 5/8ths of bugger all to me!’ (feel free to change ‘bugger all’ to anything you wish).
2) Outsiders are generally being courteous to you by not telling you how rotten your kids really are. Here is a hint, outsiders may not be comfortable knocking the tar out of your mouthy little brat simply because it will put a strain on your dinner conversation later that evening. Who would want that to happen when we all look so forward to hearing about how smart and wonderful your little monster is during every course of what will inevitably one of the longest, most boring meals we will have to sit through because you (the parent(s)) find it impossible to talk about anything else. There have been times when I have wanted a waiter to flambe’ me rather than the dessert fruit just so I had an excuse to leave. Several times I have faked a heart attack just to have an excuse to leave (and get a free ride in an ambulance).
3) Outsiders, especially those without children, do not find it amazing that your child ‘learned’ to walk at 12 months or that your child was fully potty trained at 18 years old. We or more amazed that there was no government intervention that would ban or stop a lunatic such as you from procreating.
4) I know for myself that spending time around children is about as enjoyable as a root canal. I personally do not enjoy spending time with children, unless they are capable of retrieving beer and making a Mojito. I look at children and all I see is germs, snot, tears and attitude. If I ever have to hear, ‘That’s not the way my mom does it!’ from some little snot monster I will only feel obliged to retort in some fitting manner such as, a) ‘if your mother believed in birth control we wouldn’t be having this conversation’ b) Just because your mother does it wrong is no reason to try and make me do it wrong. c) Add your own witty retort.

I long for days where children were only expected to be seen and not heard. Where the opinion of a child was as useful as painful gas cramps in a crowded elevator. You know the good ole days where parents were not friends with their children and children spent their days in fear of their parents. Where sending a whiny little pisher to bed without dinner was not a felony and the words, ‘because I said so!’ was a completely legitimate reason. Oh I long for the days when “enough!” said properly could make a small child poop in their pants. I yearn for the days when a noisy child in a restaurant was an embarrassment to the parents rather than the annoyance to other diners it has become. I remember fondly being escorted out of a few restaurants by my ear or shirt tails and placed in the car in the parking lot and told not to move a muscle. I remember having my hand slapped away from whatever magical and wonderful food I knew I wanted as kid sitting in the grocery cart and learning, painfully slow, that No meant no. My desire is to instil in the kids of today, the same fear I had of my parents. I want today’s kids to understand what ‘swift and blinding’ punishment for their actions is. I long for days where lying was the biggest sin a child could commit and talking back to your parents and teachers was a hanging offence. Teachers and coaches were always right and our parents rarely if ever took our side.

If it were put to a vote today, I would vote yes to allowing teachers’ beat the bejeezus out of our youth at school. Children have the rights to shut the hell up and do as they are told. That should be universally adopted as the only rights children have.

I still call older family friends ‘Mister or Misses So and So’ until they tell me it is ok to call them by their first names. Today 5 year olds call senior citizens by their first names without earning that right. Where is the respect? Along the lines of basic manners I have to say that kids today are generally clueless and I have on several occasions almost vomited sitting at a dinner table watching lack of manners in action. Remember that ‘kids’ table at large family gatherings? That was the proving ground for manners (or until great grandma Eunice passed away and made room for one more at the ‘grown up table). Once you mastered chewing with your mouth closed, and asking politely for something rather than leaping across the table to get it, you stood a chance of moving up to the big show.

I always have a small chuckle when people tell me I should have had kids. They say things like. “who’s going to take care of you when you are older?” and “ and you don’t know what you are missing by not having a child!” First, I am hopeful that the money I have saved by not having children will afford me the life I want and need when I retire – which I will do considerably before you can simply because I do not have children sponging off of me until they are, oh, say 35 years old and as incompetent as the next retard breast fed, never punished, don’t know how to work or take criticism without pouting loser of the same era. Secondly, if you have children, you can’t say anything other than –‘boy having kids is the greatest!’ It is a trap. Rest assured most father’s of whiny little kids, under the influence of 1 or 2 beers would admit that having kids has sucked out their remaining will to live. You have to say you love your kids. You don’t have a choice. Don’t try to sucker us into making the same mistake you did.

Party Etiquette

Party Etiquette

1) Never be the first person to arrive at a party. Arriving first makes you look socially needy and will make the host think you are there first so you can steal all the good soap and proper washcloths out of there bathroom before anyone else can.
2) Your arrival at the party should only take place after you and a few of your real friends get good and liquored up and find that you have run out of alcohol and other party enhancers such as marijuana, cocaine, meth, acid and hallucinogenic toads.
3) Enter the hosts party as if you were old Navy buddies and nothing could come between you. Throw your jacket on the floor and kick your dirty shoes off. This will let everybody know you are there to party and your lack of social graces will let everyone know you are fun and prefer to get right down to the business of partying.
4) If you are attending a dinner party it may fall onto you to say grace before the meal. A quick toast to the wife of the host is appropriate. Something along the lines of, ‘Here’s to Veronica. I can’t believe she has stuck with Arty for as long as she has. She is a patient woman, waiting for Arty to graduate from rehab all those times and understanding him missing his flight home from Bangkok twice because he fell asleep at that transvestites house and had his wallet stolen both times. To Veronica!’ This should make the meal interesting and conversation should be no problem.
5) Referring to a meal served at a party as “God Awful” is in poor taste. Keep quiet about the horrible food and just subtly place all the food on your plate into your napkin and later, after the meal, flush it down the toilet. The ensuing pandemonium caused by the toilet overflowing due to a cotton napkin stuffed with pureed artichoke hearts, soggy carrots, over cooked Yorkshire pudding and a slab of petrified roast beef will lift everyone’s spirits after such a disappointing meal.
6) While attending a party feel free to try all of the host’s various alcohols. That is really why they invited you. Simply remember that an ice bucket can double as a funny hat and a vomit receptacle. Don’t feel bad about getting sick. It was likely caused by the lousy meal.
7) A proper party is one where the hostess begins with Brahms’s playing lightly on the stereo when you arrive and cocktails and appetizers are served on tiny doilies. A proper party gets into full swing when the stereo is hijacked and forced to play ear splitting heavy metal and party anthems while people run around in their underwear screaming, ‘I hated you in school and I still do you son of a bitch!’ ‘remember the Alamo’ and ‘where are my pants?’
8) Now that a proper party has begun feel free to root around the host’s medicine cabinet for prescription drugs that may enhance your party going experience. Men may want to try Tylenol 3’s and Viagra to help with other possible activities that evening, be it with their significant other or some random farm animal en route to the emergency room or home. The Tylenol 3’s may help with headache caused by the lousy food. Women might want to experiment with Pamprin, Oxycocet and other prescription anti biotics found in the medicine cabinet- this may help with the burning feeling you may experience when you wake up in a room full of strangers, naked and in some form of yoga position.
9) It is imperative that you do not disturb the sanctity of the host’s bedroom. It is a horrendous intrusion into their privacy to poke around through there personal belongings. The moment of laughter caused by your drunk friend wearing a lamp shade, running around with a toy that looks like a Billy club and vibrates while he screams “may the force be with me!” or “Is this how you chipped your teeth Veronica?” is terribly impolite and potentially dangerous as the lamp shade may obstruct his view and present quite a tripping hazard around people with full glasses of Scotch.
10) Knowing when to leave a party is an important social grace. Leaving to early smacks of ‘Well this shindig sucked – I’m outta here!’ To show the proper appreciation to your host’s hospitality it is very important that you do not leave until their bar has been completely emptied and turned into kindling; the refrigerator appears as if a bomb went off inside of it, every ficus tree has been urinated upon, the cat is missing and the dog is drunk and heaving on the Persian rug. There are certain ‘cues’ as to when a party has run it’s course – the local constabulary escorts you downtown regardless of the fact that you are naked except for the mistletoe hanging over your groin. The host of the party appears from upstairs wearing his pajamas and carrying a baseball bat. The hostess of the party appears carrying cat-o-nine tails, a leather paddle, thigh high boots and some sort of black rope lingerie and simply says ‘have you ever seen Deliverance? – bitch!’ Play it by ear – you will see these ‘cues’ no matter how subtle they are.
11) When leaving a party or celebration it is of the utmost importance to say ‘Thank you and Goodbye.’ A simple verbal ‘thank you’, a handshake or a peck on the cheek of a female hostess will suffice. Slapping a female hostesses bum and slurring ‘See ya later toots’ or using her breasts as bongos and screaming ‘Who else is horny?’ is totally unacceptable behaviour.
12) Acknowledgement. In polite society it is very important to show gratitude towards others for hosting dinners, parties, ritual sacrifices or orgies. A simple thank you card with a quick personal note will do nicely. Whether or not you had a good time at any event is irrelevant and thank you cards saying ‘Thanks for the Salmonella Poisoning’ or ‘Thanks for the Herpes’ are not a fitting way to say Thank you. You mustn’t focus on any specific detail of the event or you will likely offend the Event Host. Cards or letters that read, ‘Thanks for hosting an orgy. I never realized how flabby you and your wife are!’ or ‘Thank you for having me to your Swingers Party – Something’s can’t be ‘unseen’ even after I clawed my eyes out!’ are not nice ways to say thank you. ‘Thanks for Dinner Invitation – You must be Glad your wife has huge breasts because she can’t cook worth a damn.’ is not the proper way to thank your hosts. Be polite at all costs and pretend to be sincere.