Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Come Gather Around the Holiday Tree.

We as a continent have given up our spines and have forced ourselves to kowtow to the Birkenstock wearing, granola guzzling twits who have deviously, as a minority, somehow made society feel bad about saying what they want. CHRISTMAS TREE. There I said it. I will continue to say it and be pronounced a heretic until the day I am hung on a, ‘t’ (we can’t say cross can we due to religious inference?) and forced to consume tofu and bean sprouts until I pass into the next phase of my carbon footprint- I likely can’t say, ‘until I die and pass through the Pearly Gates’-that’s radical thinking. You know me; I’m a radical Christian zealot. Oh Christmas Tree. Oh Tannenbaum. Why are you being forsaken? Some self proclaimed righters of wrong have declared you a public menace. Your days as a symbol of the most hopeful day of the year are being whittled away. This may be the first step into madness. Next, inexplicably and without our consent owning a Christmas or Holiday Tree will be a punishable offence. ‘Death by Tofu!’ will be their rallying cry. Save a Tree-kill a human! This is the problem with people that believe that Christmas Trees are now to be called Holiday Trees. If they win their fight, they will move on to having something else banned because it offends them in some way. It will never end and we let it happen. Tell you what. I am offended by their being offended. The offensiveness of their offending is oppressively onerous and off-putting to oafs such as me. Does that mean anything? Nope, but I don’t care. If narrow minded morons can have their say then this narrow minded moron wants his. Does that offend you? Guess what. I DON’T CARE! Christmas Tree-Christmas Tree- Christmas Tree! God- God- God. National Anthem –National Anthem-National Anthem. Have I offended? Hang on to your butts because this pig just grew wings. This Holiday Tree thing is just a small item. It should be a non issue. Matters like this start small. We dismiss them and think, “What jerkass came up with that idea and what jackass politician would listen to them?” Next thing you know something has been banned or deemed inappropriate for all because of the whining of some. They natter. They call and they inundate the powers that be until they get what they want. They cause a rift or a crack. When they get what they want they start on something new. It won’t stop. After a while we sit around with our thumbs up our butts and just give up. Not me. Not this guy. It may be a small revolution but it’s my revolution. I’m saying Christmas. I’m saying Christmas Tree. I don’t usually have a Christmas tree because I spend Christmas in some shit hole Mexican Bar singing horribly butchered Spanglish Christmas Carols but I refuse to let some causist do gooder take away what I believe in. Kiss my hairy butt do gooder. Go eat your tofu turkey under your Holiday Tree you turd of a human being. Maybe I’m exaggerating a tiny bit. Maybe I’m not. I refuse to placate some self righteous do gooder with no clue just to keep the Peace. No way. Not going to happen. We have to fight these people. The, ‘Seasons Greetings’ sayers, the ‘Holiday Tree’ morons must be beaten back to their Fairy Tale World. They must return to their unicorns and Happy Happy Bunnies of LaLa Land. Have I offended you yet? Good. Merry Christmas to All. Vive La Christmas Tree!

Monday, September 16, 2013

And the Story Droned On and On

And the Story Droned On and On Seldom do we run into a person who can tell a good story. A person who can turn the most mundane topic into a pants pissing saga that will never be forgotten. Now, a lot of people think they can tell a story well. Some people even think the stories they tell are interesting. This is not true. Personally, I am horrible at telling stories. I tend to leave out key pieces of information and I use a lot of fluff to buy time while I try to remember how a story goes. Public speaking has never been my forte’. If you’ve ever heard the Sean Connery ‘bar’ joke, I am certain that I tell stories in the same manner. “This guy walks into a bar with a dog under one arm and a 2ft salami under the other….I forget the rest but your mother’s a whore.” Self admittedly I am horrible at re telling stories, anecdotes or witticisms. I wish most people could realize that they suck at it also. Two days ago, an acquaintance somehow managed to capture me in between my just parked vehicle and the fifteen foot dash to my front door. The ensuing story made me want to cut open my stomach and hang myself with my own intestines. It went something like this; Him-Hey. I need to ask you something. Me- Okay Him- Do you know that barn on 42? Me- Maybe. Which one? Him- The one near Paul Thurbengurben’s brother’s place. Me- I don’t know who that is. Him- Sure you do! He’s the guy whose niece who won the pig foot eating contest in Yokelville 27 years ago! Me- I’m drawing a blank. I’m sure I don’t know any of those people or even where Yokelville is. Him- Come on! It’s near Makanudo Heights. On the east side of NeverWannaGoThere River Me- Positive I don’t know where that is. Are we done? I’m hungry and I have to pee. Him- You know where it is. I remember I was loaded with used condoms, lots of drag due to wind resistance, twenty six thousands up front and forty thousand rears pulling fifteen speeds through a modified Fuller with double down ace over jacks split when I first met Eunice. Me- Who the fuck is Eunice? Him- You know Eunice! From north of Makanudo stupid. Her brother Charlie, you know Charlie- he perfected the ground hog no hands breeding technique for the cross breeding of ground hogs. She works at the diner! Me- In Makanudo? Him- You don’t listen. North of Makanudo! Me- what happened to the load of used condoms? Him- Well, that c17 Cat broke a post free and the pre cups lost purchase so I had to kick her in the bum and load up the pyrometer. Me- So, you put the condoms in your bum or you burned them? Him- What are you, stupid. Me- I’m coming to that conclusion, yes. Him- I dropped them off in Utica, at the Wonderball plant near Kirby’s Me-Who’s Kirby? Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Stupid Brooks! Him- Kirby. George’s boy the dentist who juggles cats! Me- Who juggles cats? Kirby or his dad George? Dammit! Him- George is a dentist. Kirby juggles cats. Me- Ahhh! Now we’re getting somewhere. NOTE- by this point I have travelled to places unknown and met people I know but don’t really know and learned more about trucks than I ever wanted to know. I’m hungry and my eyeballs are now sight glasses for the urine building up in my system. Him- So you know the place I’m talking about? Me- No! I don’t any Thurgensons. I don’t know Paul, Eunice, Kirby, Charlie or George. I don’t know where any of the places you mentioned are except for the slim possibility of Utica- and that’s based on the wild guess that we are still in North America. I don’t know how you kick a truck in the bum either. I don’t care either. I don’t care. What do you want? Him- You’re a dick! Never mind. I’ll borrow a 2x4 from someone else. Ass. Son of a bitch! Why can’t you just ask for the damn 2x4? Why do you feel the need to drag my mind through a story that would require a team of code breakers years to decipher. You look at me like I’m mid lick on a dirty window when I don’t know who or what you are talking about when you’re the person who can’t tell a story without having some validation that you aren’t as stupid as people think. You are! Focus. What are you trying to say? Get to the point. The longer you drone on the lower I know your IQ is and that is coming from a guy who thinks the Three Stooges should be in Parliament-even though they’re dead. Simply because you know someone does not automatically guarantee that I know that person. Please believe me when I tell you I do not know the person you mentioned when I say I don’t know. I’m not lying-maybe I should so your asinine, pointless story will end more quickly. Dammit! Now I’ve forgotten what the hell I was blathering on about and what the point of this story is. Oh yeah! Don’t do drugs.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Oh the Humanity-Again

It’s been a long while since I tried to fabricate a coherent thought and vomit it out in written form for the small amount of people who read my blather. Writing while fired up or angry has suited me in the past but I have been told that I am sometimes too simple, too aggressive and not grounded in political correctness. Ahem. Fuck you! Starting with the first thing that I can remember that pisses me off; 1) Our Beliefs – Whether it is our political affiliations, our stance on Gay marriage or basically anything involving society as an actual group with opinions and feelings- Don’t tell me I have to agree with anything. My opinion is my opinion for my own reasons. I don’t have to agree or approve of anything if I don’t truly support it. I was never for or against Gay Marriage for the simple reason – I Don’t Care! I don’t have a dog in this fight and if two same sex persons want to go out and lose half of their belongings if the marriage ends that is their decision-not mine. Join the party pal. But nooooo! If you don’t support Gay Marriage you’re a homophobe, cretin or dinosaur. Maybe you’re all three of those things in no particular order. So you can be an overbearing banner waving causist but I can’t be neutral in my opinion? That sounds fair. “Exaggerated sensitiveness is an expression of the feeling of inferiority. “ Alfred Adler 2) Following up on the last smattering of insults – Gun Control. This is a tough one. If all the guns on the planet were melted down into structural steel we would still, in the name of religion, mental instability or need for over compensation revert to flinging rocks and poop at each other. Maybe if we got rid of religion we wouldn’t have so many guns? 3) Banner Waving Causists- Before you speak I suggest you actually write down what your message is and if you tell me that by doing what you want will save just one life, or that I need to think of the children I will punch you in the throat. Your cause is not necessarily my cause. So don’t call me wrong or misguided for not supporting you. 4) Loud Talkers. Talking loudly does not make you right or even remotely interesting. If you were interesting people would listen to you but as it sits right now you’re not interesting, you’re just loud…and annoying. I’d move across the room but I’d still hear you clearly over there so I will just leave because you are such a needy annoying turd that you have become a fun vacuum that you have sucked any possible enjoyment out of the night, unless of course there was a bet to see if anyone could actually toss a pool ball into your mouth while you’re being loud with a side bet of whether or not you would notice. Takers? 5) Turning signals. Don’t be an ass. Use your turning signals properly while driving. As much as I enjoy testing my mental telepathy as often as possible myself and all the other drivers with a clue would really appreciate your courtesy and common sense by the simple effective usage of your turning signals. 6) Ask the question. We all ask questions. Some of us even ask intelligent necessary questions when faced with a situation we are unfamiliar with. There’s a trick to asking a question- it’s called actually asking the damn question. Don’t dance around the root of your inquiry with supposition. Just ask the question you need or want answered. Translating your ten minute babble session into the real question is pissing me off and making me think you are trying to slide something by me. Just ask the damn question. I also need to add that I really despise being cornered with an onslaught of questions of what I am doing on a certain day at this certain time, with whom, etc, ad nausea. You need help with something? Just ask. Don’t try to coral or guilt me into it. 7) English and Math. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Our society has become so bad at speaking let alone writing our chosen language that we are turning into piss poor communicators. Sure we can all speak but a lot of us don’t speak well enough to convey a point. If there is no point, no moral or no direction to what you are saying then you are just making noise and sucking up oxygen. Using big words where a small word will do makes you look like an ass to the rest of us mouth breathers. Quit being an ass. All through high school I sucked at math. X is a letter, as is Y and has no place in math. I finally figured out why I was so bad at math. There was no application I could find for wanting to know if something was greater than or less than at that time in my life. I now use math almost every minute of every day on things that interest me. Hydraulic pressure, air pressure, volumes, rpm’s, gear reductions, cyclical rates, conversions. These are things I need to know and in my business close enough works for most of what we do. It’s math that can be utilized for an actual use and I enjoy applying it. It disturbs me to see people who do not know how to calculate simple volumes. The type of math the people in construction use everyday for ordering concrete, fuel, materials. If you can’t do the math or won’t even try I hate to say it but enjoy your career in the fast food industry. 8) Move. I don’t care where you move to just get out of the way. You know who you are. You are the people who drive down the middle of the aisles in parking lot looking for that magical parking place that will make all your dreams come true. Oblivious to anyone or anything around you hoard the center of the road waiting for your moment to pounce on the perfect parking place even though a 20 step walk from the near empty part of the lot is right there-20 steps away. No signal. No plan and No clue. You exist solely for your selfish existence and pay no heed to the chaos YOU have created. Move! I’m postulating that these are the same people who block the store aisles with their carts or body’s as if annoying and inconveniencing every person in the store is your right or mission. Hike up your MooMoo, shove another cupcake in your screaming child’s fat face and MOVE! I don’t know whether to pity you because you are stupid or despise you because you are ignorant-and likely stupid. 9) Put down the cell phone! I see you trying to hide the fact that you’re talking on your cell phone while driving. Everyone sees it. We also see how that while doing this you can’t keep your vehicle in its lane. You’re a horrible driver. You would have trouble driving without the cell phone distraction but there you are doing two things you likely suck at. Driving and talking. Put it down and focus what little mental ability you have on arriving home safely so you can ignore your children and place Farmville all night. Another thing- we go out for dinner and you can’t stop looking at your phone. Sorry for boring you jackass. Try a wrist watch if you want to be subtle about checking the time or don’t go out for dinner with us. You know what would be entertaining and lessen your boredom? Me-having a heart attack from chasing you around the restaurant while trying shove your cell phone up your butt. I’ve had a few drinks and I’m willing to give it the old college try. You’re going to look silly pushing on your gut to check or send incoming texts but I’ll be chuckling from my ambulance gurney. Shit head! 10) Please and Thank you. Try it. It is so simple to say thank you when someone holds a door open for you or lets you go in front of them at the grocery store because you only have a few items. Just say, ‘thanks’. Life is easier when we don’t allow the Douchebags and entitlement whores win by being stupid. I feel better, slightly.