Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Tis' the Season

Tis’ the Season

The season is upon us and I for one am making a stand. I will not be observing ‘winter break’ this year. I will be observing “Christmas.” I will take pride in saying, ‘Mohammed, I wish you and your family a Merry Christmas!’ ‘Saul Goldsteinberg- have a Merry Christmas!” Do you know what else? I am not going to be insulted if they say ‘Enjoy Ramadan!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ I am not even going to get upset if I am wished a Blessed Kwanza.

I know this is ‘radical’ outside of the box, non politically acceptable behaviour, but I am going to give it a whirl this year, try it on, take it for a ride and see what happens.

Pariahs, fiends and other untalented unhappy lunatics do not want us to have a Christmas, let alone a Merry Christmas. I am pretty sure that we are not allowed to have ‘Happy Holidays’ – ‘Seasons Greetings’ or the ‘Best of the Season’ either. Ebeneezar Scrooge was a prick but at least he called it Christmas and gave Cratchett a half day off to celebrate with Sick Boy.

Who doesn’t enjoy Christmas? Eating too much? Drinking too much? Peeing on the Christmas tree in front of Auntie Ethel. Who doesn’t enjoy that? As we all gather around the browning shrubbery we paid a lot of money for and for some reason smells like urine, who can say they don’t or never have enjoyed Christmas?

I think we may need a front, or a name to show people we are serious about keeping Christmas, well, Christmas! Something that tells the anti-Christmas whiners we are serious. PPOFS –People Pissed Off For Santa, or POOFS (If you believe Santa is a eggnog swilling homo). GUSOGUD – Give Us Santa or Give Us Death. Possibly something like AWMFC – Axe Wielding Maniacs For Christmas – maybe that will let whoever is trying to stop Christmas know that we are serious.

The Big Question

Who are these people who don’t want us to say Christmas? Aside from the first words to roll off my tongue and is actually an insult to rectums everywhere, all I can say is –“I do not know!” They seem to be – ‘those people’ – sometimes it is –‘you know “them”’, but, who really are ‘they’? And how do we get rid of ‘them’?

I have heard that we all need to be sensitive to ‘them’ and ‘their’ needs but I can honestly say that I have never seen ‘them’ and due to that I am positive that I don’t know what ‘their’ needs are. Perhaps all ‘they’ need is Christmas hug and to be invited to our homes to stare blissfully upon our Christmas trees while urinating on them in front of Auntie Ethel. Christmas is a magical time and entertaining time with my family.

If any of ‘them’ read this please contact me via email with a picture so I can say that I know who ‘they’ are. I’d like to put a face with Klanging sound the shovel makes in my dream as I bash you over the head with it

I have been forced to saddle up to a lot of social mores. For instance, wearing pants in public places and not stealing candy from children. I can toe the line, see the line, make a bee line, but now I am drawing the line. I am saying “Christmas” this year and I don’t care who I offend. I may even learn to say it in several languages just to piss people off – you know- ‘them’.

To all my friends and soon to be former friends – Feliz Navidad,, Joyeux Noël, God jul, Feliz Natal, عيد ميلاد مجيد, Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


Is it just me or do other people’s kids bother you? Not always. Just when the kid(s) seem to need a kick in the short pants that never seems to arrive.

I am not, in anyway, condoning violence or child abuse, in public, or within earshot of the general public. I do think that a smack on the bum to get a young kids attention is completely reasonable and no-one should be able to tell you it isn’t. Again, I am not talking about stoving in a kids head because he forgot to wipe his feet before he lites the house on fire.

My unsolicited advice has come from years of being child free and having the opportunity to have to sit and listen to parents talk about their kids.

I have had the great fortune to observe parents and kids of all ages interact as a ‘family’ unit and I have discovered the following;
1) Most kids are insane
2) Most parents are insane.
3) Any parent who tries to reason with a 2 year old child should have their head stoved in with a club.
4) Most people, especially those people without children do not really care to hear about your children for several reasons;
1) Your child is insane
2) You are insane
3) If I could I would stove in your head with a club rather than have to listen to you talk about your child for one nanosecond longer.

Things Parents Should Know –An Outsiders Opinion

1) Chances are your child is not ‘special’ or extraordinarily smart. Unless your 5 year old has cured cancer and ended world hunger they will be classified as an average child. There is an old saying parents would do well to remember, ‘You may be special to your mother and your father, but you are 5/8ths of bugger all to me!’ (feel free to change ‘bugger all’ to anything you wish).
2) Outsiders are generally being courteous to you by not telling you how rotten your kids really are. Here is a hint, outsiders may not be comfortable knocking the tar out of your mouthy little brat simply because it will put a strain on your dinner conversation later that evening. Who would want that to happen when we all look so forward to hearing about how smart and wonderful your little monster is during every course of what will inevitably one of the longest, most boring meals we will have to sit through because you (the parent(s)) find it impossible to talk about anything else. There have been times when I have wanted a waiter to flambe’ me rather than the dessert fruit just so I had an excuse to leave. Several times I have faked a heart attack just to have an excuse to leave (and get a free ride in an ambulance).
3) Outsiders, especially those without children, do not find it amazing that your child ‘learned’ to walk at 12 months or that your child was fully potty trained at 18 years old. We or more amazed that there was no government intervention that would ban or stop a lunatic such as you from procreating.
4) I know for myself that spending time around children is about as enjoyable as a root canal. I personally do not enjoy spending time with children, unless they are capable of retrieving beer and making a Mojito. I look at children and all I see is germs, snot, tears and attitude. If I ever have to hear, ‘That’s not the way my mom does it!’ from some little snot monster I will only feel obliged to retort in some fitting manner such as, a) ‘if your mother believed in birth control we wouldn’t be having this conversation’ b) Just because your mother does it wrong is no reason to try and make me do it wrong. c) Add your own witty retort.

I long for days where children were only expected to be seen and not heard. Where the opinion of a child was as useful as painful gas cramps in a crowded elevator. You know the good ole days where parents were not friends with their children and children spent their days in fear of their parents. Where sending a whiny little pisher to bed without dinner was not a felony and the words, ‘because I said so!’ was a completely legitimate reason. Oh I long for the days when “enough!” said properly could make a small child poop in their pants. I yearn for the days when a noisy child in a restaurant was an embarrassment to the parents rather than the annoyance to other diners it has become. I remember fondly being escorted out of a few restaurants by my ear or shirt tails and placed in the car in the parking lot and told not to move a muscle. I remember having my hand slapped away from whatever magical and wonderful food I knew I wanted as kid sitting in the grocery cart and learning, painfully slow, that No meant no. My desire is to instil in the kids of today, the same fear I had of my parents. I want today’s kids to understand what ‘swift and blinding’ punishment for their actions is. I long for days where lying was the biggest sin a child could commit and talking back to your parents and teachers was a hanging offence. Teachers and coaches were always right and our parents rarely if ever took our side.

If it were put to a vote today, I would vote yes to allowing teachers’ beat the bejeezus out of our youth at school. Children have the rights to shut the hell up and do as they are told. That should be universally adopted as the only rights children have.

I still call older family friends ‘Mister or Misses So and So’ until they tell me it is ok to call them by their first names. Today 5 year olds call senior citizens by their first names without earning that right. Where is the respect? Along the lines of basic manners I have to say that kids today are generally clueless and I have on several occasions almost vomited sitting at a dinner table watching lack of manners in action. Remember that ‘kids’ table at large family gatherings? That was the proving ground for manners (or until great grandma Eunice passed away and made room for one more at the ‘grown up table). Once you mastered chewing with your mouth closed, and asking politely for something rather than leaping across the table to get it, you stood a chance of moving up to the big show.

I always have a small chuckle when people tell me I should have had kids. They say things like. “who’s going to take care of you when you are older?” and “ and you don’t know what you are missing by not having a child!” First, I am hopeful that the money I have saved by not having children will afford me the life I want and need when I retire – which I will do considerably before you can simply because I do not have children sponging off of me until they are, oh, say 35 years old and as incompetent as the next retard breast fed, never punished, don’t know how to work or take criticism without pouting loser of the same era. Secondly, if you have children, you can’t say anything other than –‘boy having kids is the greatest!’ It is a trap. Rest assured most father’s of whiny little kids, under the influence of 1 or 2 beers would admit that having kids has sucked out their remaining will to live. You have to say you love your kids. You don’t have a choice. Don’t try to sucker us into making the same mistake you did.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Family Get Togethers

Family Get Togethers
I find the best way to enjoy a family get together is to not be there. Barring the ability to not be able show up, the next best solution is alcohol and plenty of it.
No-one enjoys spending time with their family. Anyone who says they do enjoy spending time with their family has obviously not spent enough money on therapy and is certainly in denial about how messed up their childhood really was.
It is never good to be the first to show up. The position of favourite child was filled long ago and not by you! Just because mom didn’t sleep for 4 months because YOU were a colicky baby is a horrible excuse but, you are not the favourite and should reserve this special position for the sibling who had the ability to lie the best to your mother as a child. Your father will not get involved in this ‘favourite child’ debate as his life was over the moment the first child was born and the fact that he would still rather drown you in a gunny sack than acknowledge you are alive tells us clearly that dear old dad’s only real friend is Jim Beam.
This being said, you should arrive late and block in the vehicle of the sibling who has parked in a manner that would allow him /or her to leave quickly and easily right after dessert. If blocking their car in won’t work, simply slash a tire or tear the starter out their car.
Hors d'oeuvres
This is a fiendish test by your mother to find out who is kissing backside to get elevated in the will. There are several ways to respond to this test.
If you are the favourite son or daughter it is of the utmost importance to pretend as though the hors d'oeuvres being served are the culmination of the world’s greatest chefs finest attempt at placing heaven on your taste buds. This is a bold faced lie – and your mother knows it – but she will not call you on it as she does not want to reveal the effort she put into this trap. And since her favourite has brown nosed their way thru her first obstacle course- she will be content in knowing that the old age home she is put in will not likely have leather restraints and huggy jackets in it.
If you are the odd person out in your family – the one mom would throw out of the nest- the black sheep – it is up to you to maintain some sense of dissension in the family. Gagging and pretending to almost vomit will do quite well. Comments such as, ‘ it’s supposed to be goose liver, not goose shit pate!’ or ‘I would rather eat skunk butt than take another bite of this!’ Not only will this confuse people but it will also show that you are honest. You may be able to leave before dinner also –which can be seen as a bonus for your honesty.

Idle Chit Chat
Sitting around the living room with your family will allow you to discover what a bunch of liars you are related to.
Listening to your brother share his knowledge of the stock market and all of his windfalls from his shrewd business dealings will make you want to beat him with a tack hammer. The pure satisfaction of knowing you can go to his place of employment and kick the mop he uses out from under him should give you the mental satisfaction you crave. Also hold dear the fact that he is 8 months behind in his child support and has told you he is worried about the rash that developed after he spent the night with Giselle, the Haitian ‘exotic dancer’.
We should all bear in mind that when our parents talk it is perfectly acceptable to fall back on the skills we learned in high school, such as sleeping with your eyes open. Parents want to share their wealth of worldly experiences and who doesn’t like being told that whatever they do is not nearly as difficult or rewarding as the time their parents did the same thing. It is useful to have your young niece or nephew around to sit near you or on you so they can block the view of your parents as you sleep while they reminisce about cow tipping and driving drunk.
The Meal
Gathering around the dining room table, at the spot marked with your name on the god awful looking glass swans your mother paid too much for is the perfect time to let everyone know what you think of the seating arrangements. Rearrange the name tags in random order- this should elicit the desired effect of finding out who really cannot tolerate certain people and sometimes why. It is best to place your sister in law or wife adjacent to the loudest or stinkiest member of your family. If you enjoy your sex life at home I suggest you prey upon the sister in law. Once everyone is seated it will fall upon the grandchildren to say grace in some god awful language that takes ten minutes and ends with them thanking God for unicorns and puppy dogs. After you wake up from your ‘grace’ induced coma, feel free to criticize your father on his carving techniques. It is generally better to sit at the far end of the table if you are inclined to do this as the old boy may still have one mad dash left in him. Temper this situation knowing that you will be sitting closer to your mother which never bodes well for you since you married a brown eyed European Catholic girl.
Peace can be found during dinner as your family stuffs their faces and ignores the rest of the family-the way things should be. The meal will be really good since mom does not want you tell anyone that she is not a good cook. This should make up for the poison hors d’ oeuvres if you have any functioning taste buds left.
When the meal is finished feel free to suggest that your sister in laws should be obligated to clear the table. They will thank you for allowing them a five minute reprieve from your lunatic family and they will also enjoy the opportunity to chip or break your mother’s fine China. You will be thanked for your kindness by having hot coffee and some manner of blueberry torte spilled on your lap. You are welcome to remove your pants and lick the delicious dessert off your chinos. Your family will expect this behaviour from you so feel free to wear an interesting pair of underwear or show your bohemian side by not wearing any underwear at all. The look of disappointment from your father will help him reinforce his regret of ever having children.

The Escape
Promptly after the last gulp of coffee has been downed your brother will kick his youngest child in the shin under cover of the tablecloth causing the lawn ape to sob uncontrollably. This is his cue to get up and leave. Luckily you have blocked his car in the driveway – so, begrudgingly you must leave also. Act disappointed that you have to leave. A well placed motor vehicle can save you from a slide show or vacation videos of your mother and fathers trip to a Des Moines knitting supply store.
Almost There
While you, your wife, your brothers and sisters, there spouses and their children fight each other to put their shoes and coats on in a wild melee of flailing arms and knees to the groin, your mother will suggest that you all take some leftovers home with you. This is the last of the evenings trickery from your mother. If you hurriedly accept the offer you infer that your spouse is a horrible cook (which they probably are), if you don’t accept you may break your mother’s cold jaded heart (and therefore definitely be out of the will). Patience is the key here. Look up slowly, rotate your face towards your spouse. The puzzled and bewildered look in your eyes will let them know that you care about their feelings. If, upon gazing at your spouse you do not turn to stone, burst into flames or know and accept that you will hitching a ride to the basement couch hotel, you may at this point slowly turn to your mother and say, ‘I guess I could take a little bit of leftovers.’ Your father’s gaze will let you know what is acceptable for taking and what is to be left for him. He may reinforce his position by waving around his will and the pencil he has used to temporarily place you back in his will.
Chaos in the Driveway
Seeing as this family dinner has vacuumed away ten years of your life you should feel no regret in pushing, screaming and trampling all who get in your way as you run to the sanctity of your car. Your wife may be a little upset that you threw her down in an attempt to slow down the stampeding mass of siblings but she will understand your plan when her car door is open and you are already travelling at 25 mph in reverse trying to get out of the driveway. With any luck the velocity of the car and the open door should knock your wife into the car. If this doesn’t work you will have to slam on the brakes so the open door will help them slow down enough to be ricochet inside of the car. Leave no bush or tree unscathed in your escape. Mowing down flora and fauna will give your father an excuse to not be in the house with your mother. You may feel bad for trampling your 6 year old niece or nephew but you have done them a favour by teaching them that life is cruel.

Slow Your Heart Rate Down
Once at home, copious amounts of alcohol may be required to slow your heart down. Indulge yourself. Your next family meal is 2 months away. Training won’t begin for three weeks.

Party Etiquette

Party Etiquette

1) Never be the first person to arrive at a party. Arriving first makes you look socially needy and will make the host think you are there first so you can steal all the good soap and proper washcloths out of there bathroom before anyone else can.
2) Your arrival at the party should only take place after you and a few of your real friends get good and liquored up and find that you have run out of alcohol and other party enhancers such as marijuana, cocaine, meth, acid and hallucinogenic toads.
3) Enter the hosts party as if you were old Navy buddies and nothing could come between you. Throw your jacket on the floor and kick your dirty shoes off. This will let everybody know you are there to party and your lack of social graces will let everyone know you are fun and prefer to get right down to the business of partying.
4) If you are attending a dinner party it may fall onto you to say grace before the meal. A quick toast to the wife of the host is appropriate. Something along the lines of, ‘Here’s to Veronica. I can’t believe she has stuck with Arty for as long as she has. She is a patient woman, waiting for Arty to graduate from rehab all those times and understanding him missing his flight home from Bangkok twice because he fell asleep at that transvestites house and had his wallet stolen both times. To Veronica!’ This should make the meal interesting and conversation should be no problem.
5) Referring to a meal served at a party as “God Awful” is in poor taste. Keep quiet about the horrible food and just subtly place all the food on your plate into your napkin and later, after the meal, flush it down the toilet. The ensuing pandemonium caused by the toilet overflowing due to a cotton napkin stuffed with pureed artichoke hearts, soggy carrots, over cooked Yorkshire pudding and a slab of petrified roast beef will lift everyone’s spirits after such a disappointing meal.
6) While attending a party feel free to try all of the host’s various alcohols. That is really why they invited you. Simply remember that an ice bucket can double as a funny hat and a vomit receptacle. Don’t feel bad about getting sick. It was likely caused by the lousy meal.
7) A proper party is one where the hostess begins with Brahms’s playing lightly on the stereo when you arrive and cocktails and appetizers are served on tiny doilies. A proper party gets into full swing when the stereo is hijacked and forced to play ear splitting heavy metal and party anthems while people run around in their underwear screaming, ‘I hated you in school and I still do you son of a bitch!’ ‘remember the Alamo’ and ‘where are my pants?’
8) Now that a proper party has begun feel free to root around the host’s medicine cabinet for prescription drugs that may enhance your party going experience. Men may want to try Tylenol 3’s and Viagra to help with other possible activities that evening, be it with their significant other or some random farm animal en route to the emergency room or home. The Tylenol 3’s may help with headache caused by the lousy food. Women might want to experiment with Pamprin, Oxycocet and other prescription anti biotics found in the medicine cabinet- this may help with the burning feeling you may experience when you wake up in a room full of strangers, naked and in some form of yoga position.
9) It is imperative that you do not disturb the sanctity of the host’s bedroom. It is a horrendous intrusion into their privacy to poke around through there personal belongings. The moment of laughter caused by your drunk friend wearing a lamp shade, running around with a toy that looks like a Billy club and vibrates while he screams “may the force be with me!” or “Is this how you chipped your teeth Veronica?” is terribly impolite and potentially dangerous as the lamp shade may obstruct his view and present quite a tripping hazard around people with full glasses of Scotch.
10) Knowing when to leave a party is an important social grace. Leaving to early smacks of ‘Well this shindig sucked – I’m outta here!’ To show the proper appreciation to your host’s hospitality it is very important that you do not leave until their bar has been completely emptied and turned into kindling; the refrigerator appears as if a bomb went off inside of it, every ficus tree has been urinated upon, the cat is missing and the dog is drunk and heaving on the Persian rug. There are certain ‘cues’ as to when a party has run it’s course – the local constabulary escorts you downtown regardless of the fact that you are naked except for the mistletoe hanging over your groin. The host of the party appears from upstairs wearing his pajamas and carrying a baseball bat. The hostess of the party appears carrying cat-o-nine tails, a leather paddle, thigh high boots and some sort of black rope lingerie and simply says ‘have you ever seen Deliverance? – bitch!’ Play it by ear – you will see these ‘cues’ no matter how subtle they are.
11) When leaving a party or celebration it is of the utmost importance to say ‘Thank you and Goodbye.’ A simple verbal ‘thank you’, a handshake or a peck on the cheek of a female hostess will suffice. Slapping a female hostesses bum and slurring ‘See ya later toots’ or using her breasts as bongos and screaming ‘Who else is horny?’ is totally unacceptable behaviour.
12) Acknowledgement. In polite society it is very important to show gratitude towards others for hosting dinners, parties, ritual sacrifices or orgies. A simple thank you card with a quick personal note will do nicely. Whether or not you had a good time at any event is irrelevant and thank you cards saying ‘Thanks for the Salmonella Poisoning’ or ‘Thanks for the Herpes’ are not a fitting way to say Thank you. You mustn’t focus on any specific detail of the event or you will likely offend the Event Host. Cards or letters that read, ‘Thanks for hosting an orgy. I never realized how flabby you and your wife are!’ or ‘Thank you for having me to your Swingers Party – Something’s can’t be ‘unseen’ even after I clawed my eyes out!’ are not nice ways to say thank you. ‘Thanks for Dinner Invitation – You must be Glad your wife has huge breasts because she can’t cook worth a damn.’ is not the proper way to thank your hosts. Be polite at all costs and pretend to be sincere.