1) Never be the first person to arrive at a party. Arriving first makes you look socially needy and will make the host think you are there first so you can steal all the good soap and proper washcloths out of there bathroom before anyone else can.
2) Your arrival at the party should only take place after you and a few of your real friends get good and liquored up and find that you have run out of alcohol and other party enhancers such as marijuana, cocaine, meth, acid and hallucinogenic toads.
3) Enter the hosts party as if you were old Navy buddies and nothing could come between you. Throw your jacket on the floor and kick your dirty shoes off. This will let everybody know you are there to party and your lack of social graces will let everyone know you are fun and prefer to get right down to the business of partying.
4) If you are attending a dinner party it may fall onto you to say grace before the meal. A quick toast to the wife of the host is appropriate. Something along the lines of, ‘Here’s to Veronica. I can’t believe she has stuck with Arty for as long as she has. She is a patient woman, waiting for Arty to graduate from rehab all those times and understanding him missing his flight home from Bangkok twice because he fell asleep at that transvestites house and had his wallet stolen both times. To Veronica!’ This should make the meal interesting and conversation should be no problem.
5) Referring to a meal served at a party as “God Awful” is in poor taste. Keep quiet about the horrible food and just subtly place all the food on your plate into your napkin and later, after the meal, flush it down the toilet. The ensuing pandemonium caused by the toilet overflowing due to a cotton napkin stuffed with pureed artichoke hearts, soggy carrots, over cooked Yorkshire pudding and a slab of petrified roast beef will lift everyone’s spirits after such a disappointing meal.
6) While attending a party feel free to try all of the host’s various alcohols. That is really why they invited you. Simply remember that an ice bucket can double as a funny hat and a vomit receptacle. Don’t feel bad about getting sick. It was likely caused by the lousy meal.
7) A proper party is one where the hostess begins with Brahms’s playing lightly on the stereo when you arrive and cocktails and appetizers are served on tiny doilies. A proper party gets into full swing when the stereo is hijacked and forced to play ear splitting heavy metal and party anthems while people run around in their underwear screaming, ‘I hated you in school and I still do you son of a bitch!’ ‘remember the Alamo’ and ‘where are my pants?’
8) Now that a proper party has begun feel free to root around the host’s medicine cabinet for prescription drugs that may enhance your party going experience. Men may want to try Tylenol 3’s and Viagra to help with other possible activities that evening, be it with their significant other or some random farm animal en route to the emergency room or home. The Tylenol 3’s may help with headache caused by the lousy food. Women might want to experiment with Pamprin, Oxycocet and other prescription anti biotics found in the medicine cabinet- this may help with the burning feeling you may experience when you wake up in a room full of strangers, naked and in some form of yoga position.
9) It is imperative that you do not disturb the sanctity of the host’s bedroom. It is a horrendous intrusion into their privacy to poke around through there personal belongings. The moment of laughter caused by your drunk friend wearing a lamp shade, running around with a toy that looks like a Billy club and vibrates while he screams “may the force be with me!” or “Is this how you chipped your teeth Veronica?” is terribly impolite and potentially dangerous as the lamp shade may obstruct his view and present quite a tripping hazard around people with full glasses of Scotch.
10) Knowing when to leave a party is an important social grace. Leaving to early smacks of ‘Well this shindig sucked – I’m outta here!’ To show the proper appreciation to your host’s hospitality it is very important that you do not leave until their bar has been completely emptied and turned into kindling; the refrigerator appears as if a bomb went off inside of it, every ficus tree has been urinated upon, the cat is missing and the dog is drunk and heaving on the Persian rug. There are certain ‘cues’ as to when a party has run it’s course – the local constabulary escorts you downtown regardless of the fact that you are naked except for the mistletoe hanging over your groin. The host of the party appears from upstairs wearing his pajamas and carrying a baseball bat. The hostess of the party appears carrying cat-o-nine tails, a leather paddle, thigh high boots and some sort of black rope lingerie and simply says ‘have you ever seen Deliverance? – bitch!’ Play it by ear – you will see these ‘cues’ no matter how subtle they are.
11) When leaving a party or celebration it is of the utmost importance to say ‘Thank you and Goodbye.’ A simple verbal ‘thank you’, a handshake or a peck on the cheek of a female hostess will suffice. Slapping a female hostesses bum and slurring ‘See ya later toots’ or using her breasts as bongos and screaming ‘Who else is horny?’ is totally unacceptable behaviour.
12) Acknowledgement. In polite society it is very important to show gratitude towards others for hosting dinners, parties, ritual sacrifices or orgies. A simple thank you card with a quick personal note will do nicely. Whether or not you had a good time at any event is irrelevant and thank you cards saying ‘Thanks for the Salmonella Poisoning’ or ‘Thanks for the Herpes’ are not a fitting way to say Thank you. You mustn’t focus on any specific detail of the event or you will likely offend the Event Host. Cards or letters that read, ‘Thanks for hosting an orgy. I never realized how flabby you and your wife are!’ or ‘Thank you for having me to your Swingers Party – Something’s can’t be ‘unseen’ even after I clawed my eyes out!’ are not nice ways to say thank you. ‘Thanks for Dinner Invitation – You must be Glad your wife has huge breasts because she can’t cook worth a damn.’ is not the proper way to thank your hosts. Be polite at all costs and pretend to be sincere.