Tuesday, September 28, 2010



Let me begin by saying that I would love the waste of skin piece of shit douchebag who caused my adopted/mutt/ trash dog physical harm- I would love to meet you in daylight wherever you want. How the fuck could you cause harm to an animal whose sole mission is to wag his tail and protect his ‘owners’? You suck. Not only do you suck as person, I want to make it mission in life to make sure your kids know you suck. You scarred a dog- permanently. Whatever you did to this slobbery jack ass scarred his legs permanently. He is fine with it. He never whimpers or slows down because of it. It isn’t a handicap to him. I want to be your handicap. I want to show up to your house or place of work and kick you in the balls. You are a cowardly piece of shit and I want to cause you physical damage. You threw boiling oil or water on a dog that was lost and hungry. What was your master plan Copernicus?

Don’t misinterpret my rant as a need to gain entrance into the upper echelon of PETA. I don’t want or need anyone behind this mission. I want you to know I don’t need backing from anyone- I never will. I want you to step up and face an old fat bald guy. I WILL drive your head thru the asphalt of the nearest parking lot. Bring your friends. We’ll make it a day in the park.

His name is Bart. He hasn’t left my or my wife’s side since we were lucky enough to adopt him. It’s been 2 years since I have had this much belief in humankind and it’s a scarred black dog that makes me believe that people can forgive and forget.

Nothing would make me believe God/Allah/Yahweh is Just than seeing you being dragged behind GreyHound bus or Tanker truck with your scrotum wrapped around the driveshaft..

I want to punch your sister in the throat just to get your attention. I want to punch your wife/boyfriend in their naughty bits to discourage them from procreating. You don’t deserve children. You deserve herpes and severe scrotal trauma. Do not ever think you are a man. If I ever find out who you are- this fat bald guy is going to make you talk with a lisp and a stutter and hopefully cause enough trauma that you have to wear Depends for the rest of your life. ShitHead!
An Open Invitation to Anyone who harms a Street dog- ever!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

You Are Kidding Right?

You Are Kidding Right?

A few days ago, for whatever reason that triggered my anger, something everyone knows I am not prone to do, I finally said, “Enough!”

There is an obvious lack of manners in our society. General courtesy has gone bye-bye. I feel it is necessary to provide the following tips to all in the hope of bringing some courtesy back into our society.

Common Courtesy

1) Take that stupid fucking Ball cap off when you are indoors. I don’t care if your hair is a mess, if you are embarrassed because you are bald or you are trying to hide a gaping head wound. When you walk into someone’s house, a restaurant, church, a mall – TAKE YOUR HAT OFF! This applies to men. When the national anthem is played, when a funeral procession passes or when a lady is present- TAKE OFF YOUR HAT! The only free pass on the hat etiquette ‘thing’ is for religious beliefs or ceremonies, women, and when you are in public hallways. IF the Pope is walking thru the mall and we are positive he is a man – He gets a pass. Other than that it is in poor taste not to take your hat off. SideNote- If you are one of the douches that think wearing your ball cap cocked to the side is cool – get off my blog page. I don’t want you on here and if I see you and your stupid hat I am going to turn it the proper way by punching you in the face with a tire iron until it has rotated into the proper position. A ball cap turned backwards (outdoors) is acceptable if you are using an Auto-level, a transit or other similar instrument, or trying wedge your head in between a vehicles firewall and motor to effect some type of inspection or repair- other than that – you are a jack ass and get off of my blog page- Douche!
2) Pull up your pants or push down your underwear. Seeing the top piece of some girls string thong may make me and others giggle with glee for a second or two but the fact that you are showing your unmentionables to guys like me makes me wonder what kind of gal you are. Are you an Attention Whore? Do you have low self-esteem? Do you have high self-esteem? Did you buy the wrong size underwear? Did you borrow the wrong size underwear? Did you or the person you borrowed the underwear from wash them? Maybe I analyze things too much but you and your high riding unmentionables have just gotten me a smack in the side of the head by my wife. Gentlemen – do you have any idea how absolutely retarded you look when your pants crotch hangs down to your knees and your underwear is riding up near your belly button? You look like you just fell off the short bus at Value Village. You look Stupid. Stop it!
3) Acknowledge others around you. Say hello to people, give them the 'guy' nod just to let them know that you know they are alive. Eye contact is a good thing. It helps people understand you are not some drugged out bag of crap with bad intentions. If you say hello and don’t get a greeting in return who cares? You can always follow them to their next location and slash their tires and not feel bad about it. Hey, you tried to be courteous.
4) Turn your god damned cell phone off. I am usually the first person to walk into a meeting, shut my phone off and toss it on the table. It’s a sign that you are specifically dedicated to the meeting at hand. If you are so important that the meeting you requested can be interrupted by calls on your cell phone or text messages all the while wasting my time – you sir/madam can go have intercourse with yourself. If you are in a restaurant and it is your mission in life to disrupt other diners by talking nonsense on your cell phone, please don’t be weirded out when I start offering advice on what you should do. If I can hear you, in my mind you have made your conversation public, therefore I have been invited to partake in your conversation. If your kids keep calling you when you are out with friends you are legally obligated to return home and beat the devil out of them - it’s in the Bible I think. Instead of cell phones I think children should have GPS microchips installed in their frontal lobes. By tying this technology into your cell phone you will always know where the kids are, what rate of speed they are falling out of trees at - you would also be capable of violently shocking them causing them to wet their pants and need to return home to change- leaving the parents in full control and not vice versa.
5) Be on TIME. If I take the time to make reservations or plans for an event don’t piss me off by making me wait for you to get ready. If you are going to be late call me and let me know or offer to drive yourself. I can’t help it. I feel bad possibly making a restaurant I have chosen lose customers because you couldn’t turn your damn tv off and get ready. If you didn’t want to go in the first place-just say so. Don’t bugger up my night because you didn’t have the courage to say no. Also note that if you don’t like the restaurant or concert I have chosen to go to – FUCK OFF! Don’t try to change my plans. If you didn’t get off of your ass and try to organize something you have ZERO say in the matter. Your only recourse is not going. I have rule about meetings. I will be on time if I call a meeting. I will also make the meeting as short as possible. Any meeting over one hour is complete waste of time in my opinion. If you call a meeting and don’t show up within fifteen minutes of the start, and you haven’t called anyone to let them know you are running late – I leave. If you catch me at the door and demand that I return to your meeting- I will tell you to go fuck yourself. It may be ego kicking in on my part but you called the meeting, you needed to talk to me about something- not vice versa.
6) Respect the Ladies. Sure most women are insane and hard to understand, but be nice. If your wife or girlfriend is late getting ready for something – it is your fault for not lying to her and telling her your reservations were a half to one hour earlier than you told her. They can’t help themselves gentlemen. They want to look their best for you. Simply lie to them about the time you need to be somewhere. In the end it works out for better for both of you. She will look great and both of you will have something to discuss over dinner – mainly what an asshole you are for lying to her. TIP – it is the pants that always make her ass look big – not the other way around.
7) Chew with your mouth closed. I had no plans of entertaining a Garburetor over dinner. I don’t want to see food in your mouth, falling out of your mouth or being hurtled towards me or my meal while you try to tell some story while you have your noise hole stuffed with artichoke hearts and croutons. What the Hell is wrong with you?
8) Get your elbows off of the Table. I am not going to try and steal your food. Would you feel more at home if I put a trough on the table? You know that thing you’re sitting on? That’s a chair. Most chairs have back rests on them so you can…rest your back against them. If the chair doesn’t have a back rest it is likely a stool so therefore you are in a bar, not a nice restaurant. Don’t mind me staring at you. I am wondering what's going to come first. You chipping your teeth on the table or the hump sprouting out of your back from you hunching over that horrible way you do. If you are going to hunch over like a troll go find some bells to ring and get the hell away from me. I should punch your parent’s in the face for not beating table manners into you.
9) Move! You know you are in the way. I know you are stupid. Get the Fuck out of my way. You aren’t grocery shopping – you’re trying to have dinner by waiting for free samples. The store could be serving cat crap on a cracker and there you’d be waiting, blocking traffic. You suck. Punch yourself in the head. I don’t want to get stupid all over my fist.
10) The Service Industry. IF we are at a restaurant or bar together and the waitress seems to be trying – don’t make crass comments to her. She’s handling my food also and may be dating the six foot four inch cook in the kitchen who just got out of jail for raping sheep. I don’t like my food violated. If you want to be ignorant move to another table- I’ll violate your food with the gorilla in the kitchen. Vice versa – if you are in a store and no service personnel, sales associate or whatever they call themselves now is around, you are completely within your rights to run down the aisles bare assed and tackle them. Being bare assed just kicks it up a notch. The next time you sneak past the store’s security guards and then remove the disguise you had to use- I guarantee the staff in the store will remember you. Poor Hector. You used to be so full of life. Now you just stand around, suck your thumb and shuffle from side to side.

Friday, September 10, 2010

The Ten Commandments – My Way Part Un.

I am not a religious kind of guy. I was baptized and dragged to church in my youth. I didn’t ‘get’ religion. I understood the concept but just never got into it.

My disposition towards religion was cemented after attending a Catholic High School for two years. Priests and teachers shaking down kids for money for ‘Jesus’. The guilt pushed on kids and the general bullshit associated with not going to Hell.

For the last few odd years I have realized that I am not anti-God. I am anti-organized religion. I cannot understand the concept of paying someone on earth to get into heaven. Won’t my deeds and actions decide whether I go to heaven or not?

The foundation of Christianity is the 10 Commandments. I think they are the pretty good guidelines for living a good safe life. I think there may be some issues of the interpretation caused by two thousand years of interpretation.

The First Commandment: "Thou shalt not make to thee other gods"
I like it. This should include professional athletes, egomaniacs and politicians

The Second Commandment : "Thou shalt not profane the name of God."
I have a really tough time with this one. My first dog thought her name was “Goddammit”. I just rolls off the tongue too effortlessly and is more socially acceptable than the F – word.

The Third Commandment : "Thou shalt keep the sabbath holy"
Ever since shopping has become a competitive activity this Commandment has lost all meaning.

The Fourth Commandment : "Thou shalt honour thy parents"
Where to start on this one. I wish this was still the case but I hear kids say things to their parents’ I wouldn’t say to my enemies. I tried to honour my parents. This simply involved trying not to get caught when I was doing something dishonourable. When I did get caught thine parents’ smack on the ass usually brought me back into line.

The Fifth Commandment: "Thou shalt not steal"
Easy, simple and correct. Don’t Steal. What the hell is hard to understand about that? Every politician, at every level of government and every corporate raider should have the Fifth Commandment branded on their forehead. I plead the Fifth!

The Sixth Commandment: "Thou shalt not commit adultery"
There seems to be a lot of confusion with this Commandment but if President Clinton and Monica Dress Stain have taught me anything it’s that a cigar isn’t just a cigar.

The Seventh Commandment: "Thou shalt not kill"
I have interpreted this to mean I shall not kill people… who don’t deserve to die or gets in the way of my vehicle, or happens to fall after I push them in the stairwell. The really nice thing about this Commandment is that it does not specifically state ‘ No thinning of the Human Herd.’

The Eighth Commandment: "Thou shalt not bear false witness"
It is wise to never lie about bears.

The Ninth Commandment: "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house"
I am good with this. If I coveted my neighbour’s house I would have to fill my house with feral cats, asbestos siding, 2 rotten motorboats, a broken down chicken coop/garage and collapse the roof on my house. Some things should not be coveted.

The Tenth Commandment: "Thou shalt not covet (or desire) thy neighbor’s wife, his manservant, or his maidservant, his ox, or his ass"

I don’t see what is wrong with coveting your neighbour’s wife. Especially if she has nice cans. The part about manservants and maidservants is a little antiquated and should be deleted. I live in Puce so coveting livestock is regionally acceptable and expected. I’m not a real judgemental guy so if you want to covet your neighbour’s ass go right ahead, I’ll be in the garage ignoring you and drinking my homophobia away.

Basically, if you aren’t a self centered douchebag, if you help people by stopping when they are in trouble, or keep driving past them because you are too stupid to help them, in a way, you are helping. Be nice. Help out. Say good morning. Don’t kill and don’t lie. I am pretty sure most of us will get into heaven.

I hope it is a heaven where the chicks are topless and the bar is always open.