Wednesday, September 15, 2010

You Are Kidding Right?

You Are Kidding Right?

A few days ago, for whatever reason that triggered my anger, something everyone knows I am not prone to do, I finally said, “Enough!”

There is an obvious lack of manners in our society. General courtesy has gone bye-bye. I feel it is necessary to provide the following tips to all in the hope of bringing some courtesy back into our society.

Common Courtesy

1) Take that stupid fucking Ball cap off when you are indoors. I don’t care if your hair is a mess, if you are embarrassed because you are bald or you are trying to hide a gaping head wound. When you walk into someone’s house, a restaurant, church, a mall – TAKE YOUR HAT OFF! This applies to men. When the national anthem is played, when a funeral procession passes or when a lady is present- TAKE OFF YOUR HAT! The only free pass on the hat etiquette ‘thing’ is for religious beliefs or ceremonies, women, and when you are in public hallways. IF the Pope is walking thru the mall and we are positive he is a man – He gets a pass. Other than that it is in poor taste not to take your hat off. SideNote- If you are one of the douches that think wearing your ball cap cocked to the side is cool – get off my blog page. I don’t want you on here and if I see you and your stupid hat I am going to turn it the proper way by punching you in the face with a tire iron until it has rotated into the proper position. A ball cap turned backwards (outdoors) is acceptable if you are using an Auto-level, a transit or other similar instrument, or trying wedge your head in between a vehicles firewall and motor to effect some type of inspection or repair- other than that – you are a jack ass and get off of my blog page- Douche!
2) Pull up your pants or push down your underwear. Seeing the top piece of some girls string thong may make me and others giggle with glee for a second or two but the fact that you are showing your unmentionables to guys like me makes me wonder what kind of gal you are. Are you an Attention Whore? Do you have low self-esteem? Do you have high self-esteem? Did you buy the wrong size underwear? Did you borrow the wrong size underwear? Did you or the person you borrowed the underwear from wash them? Maybe I analyze things too much but you and your high riding unmentionables have just gotten me a smack in the side of the head by my wife. Gentlemen – do you have any idea how absolutely retarded you look when your pants crotch hangs down to your knees and your underwear is riding up near your belly button? You look like you just fell off the short bus at Value Village. You look Stupid. Stop it!
3) Acknowledge others around you. Say hello to people, give them the 'guy' nod just to let them know that you know they are alive. Eye contact is a good thing. It helps people understand you are not some drugged out bag of crap with bad intentions. If you say hello and don’t get a greeting in return who cares? You can always follow them to their next location and slash their tires and not feel bad about it. Hey, you tried to be courteous.
4) Turn your god damned cell phone off. I am usually the first person to walk into a meeting, shut my phone off and toss it on the table. It’s a sign that you are specifically dedicated to the meeting at hand. If you are so important that the meeting you requested can be interrupted by calls on your cell phone or text messages all the while wasting my time – you sir/madam can go have intercourse with yourself. If you are in a restaurant and it is your mission in life to disrupt other diners by talking nonsense on your cell phone, please don’t be weirded out when I start offering advice on what you should do. If I can hear you, in my mind you have made your conversation public, therefore I have been invited to partake in your conversation. If your kids keep calling you when you are out with friends you are legally obligated to return home and beat the devil out of them - it’s in the Bible I think. Instead of cell phones I think children should have GPS microchips installed in their frontal lobes. By tying this technology into your cell phone you will always know where the kids are, what rate of speed they are falling out of trees at - you would also be capable of violently shocking them causing them to wet their pants and need to return home to change- leaving the parents in full control and not vice versa.
5) Be on TIME. If I take the time to make reservations or plans for an event don’t piss me off by making me wait for you to get ready. If you are going to be late call me and let me know or offer to drive yourself. I can’t help it. I feel bad possibly making a restaurant I have chosen lose customers because you couldn’t turn your damn tv off and get ready. If you didn’t want to go in the first place-just say so. Don’t bugger up my night because you didn’t have the courage to say no. Also note that if you don’t like the restaurant or concert I have chosen to go to – FUCK OFF! Don’t try to change my plans. If you didn’t get off of your ass and try to organize something you have ZERO say in the matter. Your only recourse is not going. I have rule about meetings. I will be on time if I call a meeting. I will also make the meeting as short as possible. Any meeting over one hour is complete waste of time in my opinion. If you call a meeting and don’t show up within fifteen minutes of the start, and you haven’t called anyone to let them know you are running late – I leave. If you catch me at the door and demand that I return to your meeting- I will tell you to go fuck yourself. It may be ego kicking in on my part but you called the meeting, you needed to talk to me about something- not vice versa.
6) Respect the Ladies. Sure most women are insane and hard to understand, but be nice. If your wife or girlfriend is late getting ready for something – it is your fault for not lying to her and telling her your reservations were a half to one hour earlier than you told her. They can’t help themselves gentlemen. They want to look their best for you. Simply lie to them about the time you need to be somewhere. In the end it works out for better for both of you. She will look great and both of you will have something to discuss over dinner – mainly what an asshole you are for lying to her. TIP – it is the pants that always make her ass look big – not the other way around.
7) Chew with your mouth closed. I had no plans of entertaining a Garburetor over dinner. I don’t want to see food in your mouth, falling out of your mouth or being hurtled towards me or my meal while you try to tell some story while you have your noise hole stuffed with artichoke hearts and croutons. What the Hell is wrong with you?
8) Get your elbows off of the Table. I am not going to try and steal your food. Would you feel more at home if I put a trough on the table? You know that thing you’re sitting on? That’s a chair. Most chairs have back rests on them so you can…rest your back against them. If the chair doesn’t have a back rest it is likely a stool so therefore you are in a bar, not a nice restaurant. Don’t mind me staring at you. I am wondering what's going to come first. You chipping your teeth on the table or the hump sprouting out of your back from you hunching over that horrible way you do. If you are going to hunch over like a troll go find some bells to ring and get the hell away from me. I should punch your parent’s in the face for not beating table manners into you.
9) Move! You know you are in the way. I know you are stupid. Get the Fuck out of my way. You aren’t grocery shopping – you’re trying to have dinner by waiting for free samples. The store could be serving cat crap on a cracker and there you’d be waiting, blocking traffic. You suck. Punch yourself in the head. I don’t want to get stupid all over my fist.
10) The Service Industry. IF we are at a restaurant or bar together and the waitress seems to be trying – don’t make crass comments to her. She’s handling my food also and may be dating the six foot four inch cook in the kitchen who just got out of jail for raping sheep. I don’t like my food violated. If you want to be ignorant move to another table- I’ll violate your food with the gorilla in the kitchen. Vice versa – if you are in a store and no service personnel, sales associate or whatever they call themselves now is around, you are completely within your rights to run down the aisles bare assed and tackle them. Being bare assed just kicks it up a notch. The next time you sneak past the store’s security guards and then remove the disguise you had to use- I guarantee the staff in the store will remember you. Poor Hector. You used to be so full of life. Now you just stand around, suck your thumb and shuffle from side to side.

3 comments:

Barb Miller said...

“It's a catastrophic success.” You assaulted this reader with pure laughter and I love it. (Bathroom break!)...Ok I'm back....Deluged with insults, bigotry and smacks of delightful truths through-out.
I can't wait till your brain starts burning again...Please write it down! Hope you don't mind if I share with a few friends?

Idiot'sWife said...

Wow, you've really been saving up, haven't you? I'm laughing so hard, I'm crying. And I don't cry.

Seattleforge said...

This was beautiful and I share every sentiment in it.