Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Tis' the Season

Tis’ the Season

The season is upon us and I for one am making a stand. I will not be observing ‘winter break’ this year. I will be observing “Christmas.” I will take pride in saying, ‘Mohammed, I wish you and your family a Merry Christmas!’ ‘Saul Goldsteinberg- have a Merry Christmas!” Do you know what else? I am not going to be insulted if they say ‘Enjoy Ramadan!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ I am not even going to get upset if I am wished a Blessed Kwanza.

I know this is ‘radical’ outside of the box, non politically acceptable behaviour, but I am going to give it a whirl this year, try it on, take it for a ride and see what happens.

Pariahs, fiends and other untalented unhappy lunatics do not want us to have a Christmas, let alone a Merry Christmas. I am pretty sure that we are not allowed to have ‘Happy Holidays’ – ‘Seasons Greetings’ or the ‘Best of the Season’ either. Ebeneezar Scrooge was a prick but at least he called it Christmas and gave Cratchett a half day off to celebrate with Sick Boy.

Who doesn’t enjoy Christmas? Eating too much? Drinking too much? Peeing on the Christmas tree in front of Auntie Ethel. Who doesn’t enjoy that? As we all gather around the browning shrubbery we paid a lot of money for and for some reason smells like urine, who can say they don’t or never have enjoyed Christmas?

I think we may need a front, or a name to show people we are serious about keeping Christmas, well, Christmas! Something that tells the anti-Christmas whiners we are serious. PPOFS –People Pissed Off For Santa, or POOFS (If you believe Santa is a eggnog swilling homo). GUSOGUD – Give Us Santa or Give Us Death. Possibly something like AWMFC – Axe Wielding Maniacs For Christmas – maybe that will let whoever is trying to stop Christmas know that we are serious.

The Big Question

Who are these people who don’t want us to say Christmas? Aside from the first words to roll off my tongue and is actually an insult to rectums everywhere, all I can say is –“I do not know!” They seem to be – ‘those people’ – sometimes it is –‘you know “them”’, but, who really are ‘they’? And how do we get rid of ‘them’?

I have heard that we all need to be sensitive to ‘them’ and ‘their’ needs but I can honestly say that I have never seen ‘them’ and due to that I am positive that I don’t know what ‘their’ needs are. Perhaps all ‘they’ need is Christmas hug and to be invited to our homes to stare blissfully upon our Christmas trees while urinating on them in front of Auntie Ethel. Christmas is a magical time and entertaining time with my family.

If any of ‘them’ read this please contact me via email with a picture so I can say that I know who ‘they’ are. I’d like to put a face with Klanging sound the shovel makes in my dream as I bash you over the head with it


I have been forced to saddle up to a lot of social mores. For instance, wearing pants in public places and not stealing candy from children. I can toe the line, see the line, make a bee line, but now I am drawing the line. I am saying “Christmas” this year and I don’t care who I offend. I may even learn to say it in several languages just to piss people off – you know- ‘them’.

To all my friends and soon to be former friends – Feliz Navidad,, Joyeux Noël, God jul, Feliz Natal, عيد ميلاد مجيد, Merry Christmas!

2 comments:

Seattleforge said...

Happy Christmas,

Scott.

Idiot'sWife said...

Merrilicious HannaKwanzmas.

I'd call you an idiot (hey, you asked for it), but I'm still trying to decide which kind you are.