Friday, November 5, 2010

Anti-Kid?

It has come to my attention that some people think I am, ‘anti-kid’. Nothing could be further from the truth. I believe kids are a valuable resource, like playing cards or firewood.

I jabber on about kids and young people much like any old fart who espouses their generational logic to anyone who doesn’t want to listen. I don’t have kids so I think that makes me very objective on certain issues.

For Instance;
Many of you who have kids make it your mission to tell everyone that, ‘Having children was the greatest thing that ever happened to me!’ Devil’s Advocate – What else can you say besides nothing? You can’t reverse you having kids. Instead of saying nothing though, you feel it’s your duty to urge others to make the same mistake you did. “ You know…having my leg torn off by rabid bunnies was the greatest thing that ever happened to me! I feel so much lighter with just one leg! It’s great! You should try it!” Not gonna happen Stumpy! I confronted a friend of mine once with the same paradox, about having kids, not the rabid bunny thing. When he finally understood what I was really trying to tell him he actually agreed, and then took his foot off of my throat.

I have seen the ridiculousness of parenting, and I cringed.

If a child is unable to cut the grass because of allergies, why is ok to give that child money to go golfing? Did I forget to carry the zero? You gotta be shittin’ me?! Stop! Please do not say, ‘Golf is exercise for the kids and is safer than cutting the grass!’ Bullshit! Give the little lump of precociousness an old fashioned reel mower and a half an acre of crabgrass. His or her fifteen year old baby fat will be gone before school starts in the fall, and if they lose a digit or two good for you! It’s hard to hold a golf club with your thumb and pinky. No expensive unused golf clubs taking up space in the garage.

A Gold Star for Everyone!
Understand this- not everyone is equal. We all have equal rights as citizens. That’s as far as equality should go. Equality is a right but lately it seems to be melded into a catch-all that has to mean everyone is equal. This is a lie and an outright bastardization of the true meaning of equality.
Why is it right to reward everyone equally? That’s not a reward- it’s a nail in societies casket. I’m sorry your husky special little guy looks like a puppy screwing a football as he gasps and gallumph’s his way to the already broken ribbon of the 40 yard dash. Tough luck kid. Just remember every sports team needs a statistician and someone to run the scoreboard. If the same wheezy kid kicks butt academically and averages 95% in all his classes, is it fair to give everyone 95%? I don’t think so and I believe you would be pissed if your little genius didn’t get his due. I don’t mean to stereotype the fat kid. They usually weren’t gifted academically or athletically.
Many years ago I was playing hockey with my nephew. I kept knocking him out of the way, shooting and scoring. I had finished three beers and figured I was up about 15 to minus 10. The little bastard slashed my shins and dropped me like a stone. He took off down to the other end shot and scored. He came back laughed at me and informed the score was zero/zero. I asked him how he figured the score was zero all. After he sighed in disbelief at how stupid I am I was informed that the teams in his hockey league were not allowed to keep score. Some of the parents (a small minority I found out later) didn’t want the kids to get hurt feelings by being told they lost. I slapped the glasses right off of my nephew and told him not to be stupid. He took off, grabbed the puck, and headed down the ice, whiffed at the puck and slammed into the net crossbar. The goofy little guy really needs his glasses. Five year olds are funny. Stupid but funny.
I left the little guy in a pool of his own blood to stay warm and stormed off to demand answers, more beer and some chicken wings.
You can rest assured I got those chicken wings and a cold beer and then got to asking some questions. The boy was right. They weren’t allowed to keep score. I was shocked but after and hour and a half of deferring and ignoring questions like,’ where is the boy?’ and ‘why can’t we see the boy?’ and ‘why is the boy’s coat blowing across the lawn?’ and ‘what are those coyotes doing out near the net?’ I had proof that we are all screwed. Shortly thereafter the door swung open and there was my favourite nephew. He looked a little pale and he must have tripped on his glasses, slammed head first into the ice and cut his ear wide open. The poor little guy vomited, mumbled something about wolves and head trauma, cried about his glasses and then fell asleep right there in the foyer.
If a five year old can stitch his own ear and gaping head wound you can be pretty damn sure he and the rest of his booger eating kind can count how many times they have put a puck in the net and how many times the other guys have put the puck in the net, perform some math magic and figure out who won the damn game. What soft brained, self-involved dolt could think this ‘everyone wins’ scenario is good for everybody? I’ll answer that by saying it’s the parent(s) who dropped the ball raising their kids. If you don’t teach your kids to fight and fend for themselves I truly believe you are not doing your job as a parent. Life isn’t fair. We all get up every morning and face challenges we may not want to deal with but we have to. If we don’t have challenges in our life we don’t learn.
I write this with conviction. I and others like me will ‘inherit’ your children when they go out into the workforce. If I inherit your children it is likely that they did not go onto to post secondary education proving my point that kids are dumb. I have inherited a few really good, hardworking kids. I have also gone thru ten times the number of good ones, of horribly misinformed and outright dumb and living in some entitlement ‘zone’ bad ones to be fortunate enough to get and keep the good ones I have.

The Misinformed and Hopeless I have had to sort out;
1) You don’t tell me what your work hours are going to be. I tell you. Like it or leave.
2) I don’t know everything but I have been doing this job for a very long time. You’ve been doing it for, oh, less than five minutes now so you know everything? Get over yourself kid.
3) Just because you took a day class to learn how to run a fork lift does not entitle you jump in my equipment and operate it.
4) I spent my time in the trenches so if you want to pout about me sitting in the operators seat of MY equipment you are definitely fighting a losing battle.
5) When you see me with a hand shovel on your site working- chances are I am doing your job.
6) See all those things lying on the ground that people keep tripping on? Do you see me picking that stuff up? Chances are I am doing your job.
7) Don’t tell me you need 15 minutes to wash your hands and to get ready to go home. The only way you could have possibly gotten dirty is if you tripped and fell into a puddle. You didn’t get dirty working.
8) If you see me driving a survey stake into the ground right next to you don’t be scared. I am putting the stake there as a reference to see if you are actually moving.
9) Don’t come to me when a piece of slag falls down the tongue of your boot. I told you to keep your pant legs over top of your boots roughly seventy two thousand times. I also told you to always carry a knife in your pocket. The knife is back up for your stupidity if you DID forget to put your pant legs over top of your boots. I know molten metal burns and I know you wish you could get your boot off. If you had a knife you cut your laces and kick your boot off and lessen the degree of the burn. If you had kept your pant legs over your boots we wouldn’t be having this talk. You see junior, I still have scars from doing the same thing.
10) Water up to your knees is a six pack. Anything over your knees is a case of beer. I had to buy so you have to buy.
11) You do not get to take your birthday off unless it falls on a Saturday, Sunday or Holiday. You’re a year older and no-one gives a crap. Grow up.
12) You forgot your lunch you want me to handicap a crew while you go and get something to eat? Why don’t you go home for the rest of the day and take tomorrow off too.
13) I swear on all things Holy- if your wife calls me and complains about the hours you are working one more time I am going to be forced to solve the problem, my way. Enjoy unemployment and all the time you will get to spend with your wife. She is always so pleasant to deal with.
14) No I do not want to hire your son. If the way you work is any indication of the mentoring you have undertaken with your son I am positive I could do better by leaning a broom up against a wall.
15) If I wanted a bad idea I would have asked you right at the onset of this catastrophe. Close your mouth and walk away.

This is business. If your kid can’t cut it feel free to blame me. Always remember that when your kid is thirty years old and living in your basement with his ‘old lady’ that you the parent are the only one to blame.

Kids need to get beat up, fall out of trees, cut the grass and have responsibility they don’t want and consequences they can’t bear. Please quit trying to be their bestest buddy. It’s a joke and you are the punchline. You can be friendly to your kids but until they are on their own you can’t be friends. It complicates the chain of command and gives the kids one more thing they can blame or guilt you with.

Teach your kids to overcome obstacles. Teach your kids consequences. Make sure they know you love them no matter how hard they make you hit them. Do you think I like having to write like this!

2 comments:

Janice said...

Too funny! Thanks for keeping it real! LOL

brenda said...

You so can't forget the ones that you ask to work late all week long, they are too busy. However Friday comes along, they want you to stay late so they can work on their own stuff.

As for my kids, they pretty much hate me right at this moment in time because I won't feed them until there rooms are clean! They informed me they are "starving" I told them they were lucky they ate yesterday.

I couldn't agree more, my job is to make them adults I can be proud of, or more to the point I would hire and keep as an employee. As both my children were informed this evening, their pinks slips are ready, the work is still mine to do.

Thanks Brooks you make perfect sense, and would be a great parent.